NBA Schedule

Even though there’s a lockout going on, today the NBA released the schedule for the 2011-2012 season. Releasing the schedule should help motivate the players to end the lockout by letting them know exactly when and where they can cheat on their wives.

Murdoch Pie

Today, while testifying about the big scandal he’s involved in, Rupert Murdoch was hit in the face with a pie. You know, having millions of people watch you get a pie to the face must be pretty embarrassing….to anyone who doesn’t own Fox. That happens to Murdoch like three times a night.

Zuckerberg+

Apparently Mark Zuckerberg has joined Google’s new invite only social networking site Google+. Which makes perfect sense, because whenever I throw a party, I always invite people who are gonna steal my stuff.

Drunk Mailman

In England, a mailman was caught with three and a half years worth of mail at his house, because everyday he would start drinking at 6AM and be too drunk to deliver the mail. Yeah, people are saying that even if he did deliver the mail while drunk, nobody would’ve noticed.

“Yeah, buddy of course this is 22 Hudson Street, why else would I have a giant 46 on my house? What are you drunk? Oh you are?”

Alternative Punchline:

• We’re really lucky this didn’t happen in America, because then we’d be missing three and a half years worth of Dairy Queen coupons.

Over the course of the past three years the mailman has collected over 200 euro from birthday cards and other gifts. I don’t know what’s worse, the drunk mailman or how cheap people in England are.

Atlantis

Early this morning, space shuttle Atlantis left the international space station for the last time after 12 years of missions. Man, I heard they partied pretty hard last night. At one point, one of the astronauts was so drunk he thought he blacked out, until his buddy turned him away from the window.

Drunk Traffic Controller

An air traffic controller in Denver has been suspended for possibly being drunk on the job. Authorities who suspended the man assumed he was drunk, because he was the only air traffic controller awake.